Still Unfabulous 🌌

​ Dear Siya, I’ve learnt a something new. A thing or two from Heartbreak. It is a pain that lives. It has a mind of its own. Places it must go. When I'm conscious of where it goes, I feel it take root in my feet. I can’t get up. The weight is too much. The pain is too heavy. Sometimes it lives in my hands; I can’t lift them to eat. If I move them too much it feels like they might break. When I think I have bested it, and they work to put food in my mouth, it travels to my stomach. It makes it impossible to keep in what I have managed to swallow. When it is time to rest it flows up to my brain. It takes away my ability to sleep. It stops me from dreaming. It is a living thing that hates me and punishes me for its existence. I blame myself for creating this thing. This thing that leaves me at the brink of tears, fighting the urge to cry in public spaces. This thing that makes me sad and angry and bitter, so that it is on the tip of my tongue to lash out and share my unhappiness. This...

​  I  do this thing where I trick myself & make myself believe that I haven’t been in love, That I don’t know what it’s like to be driven by that madness. I tell myself that I have never felt so deeply about anything or anyone.  That it is a touch that I have not felt, a house I have not lived in… But when I am honest, when my mind plays no games and I am clear, I remember you. Us. I remember that I loved you. I remember what it was like to be in love. Anything was possible. Everything was real. I remember that there was nothing that could keep me from you, nothing I wouldn’t do or say for your energy on my cheeks, to see laughter in your eyes that I put there. I remember the pain that came with your tears. You made me hate them. What they meant.  They made me useless. But I remember that I was your rock through your pain. I was always what stood between you and your sadness. You were always what stood between me & mine. I remember what it was like to be love...