REMEMORY

​ I do this thing where I trick myself & make myself believe that I haven’t been in love,

That I don’t know what it’s like to be driven by that madness.

I tell myself that I have never felt so deeply about anything or anyone. 

That it is a touch that I have not felt, a house I have not lived in…

But when I am honest, when my mind plays no games and I am clear,

I remember you. Us.

I remember that I loved you. I remember what it was like to be in love.

Anything was possible. Everything was real.

I remember that there was nothing that could keep me from you, nothing I wouldn’t do or say for your energy on my cheeks, to see laughter in your eyes that I put there.

I remember the pain that came with your tears. You made me hate them. What they meant. 

They made me useless.

But I remember that I was your rock through your pain. I was always what stood between you and your sadness.

You were always what stood between me & mine.

I remember what it was like to be loved.

To see and to know. To have no doubts.

Mine to the world. 

Inevitable.

I remember that love made me afraid for the loneliness that would come when we were apart.

I would speak of you to everyone I knew, I would talk about you to anyone who would listen. 

My words would make you present. 

You filled up every empty space. Every empty room.

Your love taught me desire, but with that desire came hidden shame.

Two young people trapped in a society that hated us; I was afraid of more because I was scared the reality of us would send you running.

( When reality came it nearly tore us apart)

I was content with my lips marked on your cheek, ( you wore them with pride & fuck it made me so sick with love I thought I would die) with your fingers locked with mine…

Your hands in my hair, your scent in my nose. 

Friends to the world. 

I would remember being content.

And then I would remember the days we would forget the world & our bodies would betray us for our longing.

Kisses on my neck, 

Fingers in my mouth,

Stolen touches that burned & burned,

A terrified kiss in the dark.

I remember what it was to love and to want.

I remember the pain of parting. 

The realization that we would not be together forever. 

I remember promises to never meet anyone like you. To never love anyone like I loved you.

(I have not)

I remember the bitterness of separation.

I remember coming to terms with the fact that I could never truly have you, because distance came with a reality that you would never truly accept this thing between us and that what we had would somehow dull with every revisit to your memory , and I would be crucified your friend for life.

I loved you too much to make you face the truth of us.

I remember the frustration. 

I remember the pain

I remember the numbness that came after.

The love of my life no longer.

The years have passed and with them being in love with you simply became loving you.

I love you now as my friend, this was life’s choice.

I will love someone else and there will be no hidden shame.

I will love and be loved and it will be deserved.

It will not be as I remember. 

There will be no tricks to make me forget.

When it comes again, it will be enough.