The End of The Year as I Know it.

 31st December 2020.

It's done. 

If you're reading this, we did it. 

We've made it through a year full of protests and disease, a year full of allegations and abuse. We made it through a year of diasater.

We fucking did it.

I mean the fact that I am alive and well, the fact that I am not dead; I was not killed by the Covid-19 virus, I did not die by my own hand, when i thought that i was losing my ever loving shit, and there seemed to be no end in sight. I did not die from boredom, and from being on edge with my family for periods of time this year. I survived. And I am so grateful to God I could cry.

What a year.

Anyways 2020 wasn't a complete shitfest. I mean regardless of the fact that i'm 95 percent sure God decided to show us shege this year.😭

I found myself this year. In the midst of the anger and the loneliness and the frustration at being at the mercy of something I couldn't touch or control, I found myself. 

Have you ever been forced to take a good look at yourself, and see yourself for who you are when all the noise of being around so many people is gone?  

When its just you and your mirror, physical or not? When there's nothing to hide behind, no school, no boys, no distractions, nothing?

Just you and your many flaws and mistakes; Your little victories. Your wants and your desires, your dreams.

I looked at my mirror and i realized that I hated what I saw. I just hated myself. My depency on other people to make me happy. This need I had to be accepted. To be liked. To be loved unconditionally.To the point where I was sure some decisions I had been making were not coming from an honest place.

And even if it was okay to want these things, how could I expect people to accept and love me when I didn't love, accept, or even trust myself?

What did I want people to accept? Who was I?

You see, I didn't just not love myself; I didn't really know myself either.

I've made so many mistakes since I left Louisville. I never really realized how much I hated myself for certain things I'd done. I had been so busy trying to forgive other people, I spent no time sorting the fact that I blamed myself even for things I couldn't have expected and subconsciously refused to forgive myself.

I decided that I wasn't going to do that. I needed to forgive myself. I was going to start taking myself seriously. 

How did I expect to mean anything to anyone when i mean nothing to myself?

I wasn't happy, apparently I hadn't been for awhile; I was just going through the motions, empty.

So I went out of character. 

I turned to God. I was afraid that I had lost myself.  And I decided that I was going to find myself the way my parents and faith had taught me how.

I prayed. I really prayed. I downloaded this bible app wth audio guides and I picked plans that talked about self discovery. I wasn't sure it would help at first. I still kept at it. Hoping like I'd never hoped for anything in my life. Because i realized If I didn't have myself, I wasn't even a person. I just was.

Eventually I decided that i wanted to take care of not just my mental and emotional health, but also my physical. I had a friend who helped me immensely with that. So i exercised. I prayed. I read my bible. It's still hard to do these things honestly and religiously. But I try. Everyday I try.

Its the 31st if December 2020 and I can't say the jounery to self acceptance is finished yet, but when I look at myself, i'm learning to love what I see. I'm learning that I'm allowed to fuck up sometimes and that I'm also allowed to learn and grow from those fuck ups. I'm learning that I'm not perfect and even better, that I don't even want to be. 

I am who I am and I'm learning to live my life without regret and without apology. 

I'm learning that I'm beautiful not just because of my bone structure but because of my self worth. 

I have learnt that whatever people think of me, I am better and more.

Everyday is a new discovery, a new layer under all that I am, and all that I can ever hope to be.

Tomorrow is a new year.

For this first time in forever it feels like it.

Whatever 2021 brings, I know that I will always have my back.

What else can anyone else ask for?

I have my God and I have my love and that's all that matters.

There's so much I have to give, what better place to start than with myself?

Much love,

Kachi💕




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