THERAPY SESSIONS: HEY SIYA, FRI’s BACK

​DEAR SIYA,


Hi, I’m suicidal.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I don’t show up for months, and the first time I communicate with you, my first sentence is extremely alarming.

But I am, and as my therapist (because I still pay the bills obvi), I thought you would like to have this information.

I can’t remember, really remember, exactly how it came to be. I can remember sadness compounded. I can remember feeling a very deep tiredness in my early teenage years, and just simply, the feeling of wanting to die.

I almost tried once. I was on my balcony ( then I was dumb enough to think that jumping down from there would actually kill me), and I just stared down at the ground, and kept imagining myself there, broken and bloodied. Dead, but never really at peace. But dead at least.

I didn’t do it. I’m ashamed to say that it had nothing to do with wanting to stay alive, and everything to do with the fact that I thought it would be an ugly way to die. But I guess I should be grateful to my vanity? Idk. 

As you know, I suffer from depression. I’d like to believe that suicide & depression go hand in hand, but certain developments in my life have proven otherwise.

I’m better Siya. I really am. I’m the same damaged girl that walked into your office, with my walls high above my head, but now aware and willing to work through my struggles and my issues. But as I get better, as I’m on this journey of self acceptance & reformation, as life has stopped seeming bleak and empty, I’ve realized that it doesn’t change the fact that a part of me is one foot out of life, always somehow ready for the thing that will send me loud & out of my mind, and make me wild enough to end my own life. 

I guess the only difference is that now I fight it.  Now I’m aware, and conscious of the things that tip me over into these depths of despair. Into things that turn my mind dark & gloomy, and makes it feel almost unacceptable to have a zest for life.

A reading of my birth chart says that I have no aim in life. When I read it, at first I was offended (because wtf do you mean I have no aim,wtf? Excuse my language), but then I thought about it and I realized that although I can’t say I have no aim, I live life without any expectations for my future, without any tangible hopes & dreams, almost as if somewhere along the line, I trapped myself in my present. 

Of course I want good things in life. If I’m here for a long time, I do hope I have them. But the way people survive by looking on to better days, and by seeing better things for themselves in their future; it just doesn’t work for me. It gives me anxiety. It multiplies the feeling of wanting to die. 

I make my peace with this by doing the best I can in every second, and by trying to live my life present, and with no regrets.

I won’t lie to you, I wish I could aspire. I wish that dreaming didn’t cause my mind to fracture, I wish that imagining this perfect future for myself lifted me up, instead of just making me want to drown.

But because I told you I’m better Siya, the truth is that I’ve come to accept this.

And so when I tell you that I’m suicidal, it doesn’t mean that I’m in constant danger of wanting to slit my wrists, or hang myself ( only sometimes, lol), it means that I am part of the minority that just has to fight themselves to survive.

Self awareness feels like crap. Sometimes I prefer wallowing in my sorrows and feeling sorry for myself ( or just being fucking oblivious), because it’s the easiest thing on the planet to let things just happen to you, instead of actively trying to fight back, and solve your problems . Especially when the person you have to fight the hardest is you.

I thought that finding my peace with myself would take this feeling away; maybe it’s still here because I haven’t completed my search for self. I do know I’ll find me. And that even when I do, if this feeling still remains, the promise I’ve made to myself is to keep on fighting this mind of mine that is my best friend and my strongest enemy, until I can’t. Until my strength is exhausted.

I hope you don’t hate me enough that you send my email directly to your junk mail ( if you do this, then jokes on you if I kill myself, ha).

And if you do read this, pls don’t reply.  Or like just send confirmation? But no advice, thank you! 

You can save it for the day I finally drop by the office ( God help us with patience for this day.)

I’m okay Siya, I really am. I hope you are too.

Till the next time this wave of vulnerability (& stupidity honestly, idk why I open up to you) comes over me.

                                     Your Fav. Patient Eva,

                                                 Fri❤️

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