19 Forever

​I wanted to be 19 forever

I used to say it all the time. 

Sometimes it meant that 19 would be when my immortality began. It would be the beginning of my own never ending.

Imagine. Every year with 19 candles.

Sometimes I’d wonder if I was admitting to myself that it would be the best time for me to leave.

19 was special.

Not a teenager. Not even really an adult,

Everything & nothing all at once.

I could say goodbye at 19.

19 would preserve me.

I turned 20. 

I couldn’t believe it.

All those days that led up to it that was fueled by this anonymous depression.

All those tears that I shed that I blamed on ruined plans & excuses I can’t even remember…

This age. This change. This numbing realization that I would do it. That I had to.

Left with a life I had never really wanted and not knowing what to do with it.

19 would have been perfect.

20 would be a tragic shame.

I pushed through.

I enjoyed the happiness when it came. 

I lived through that heart hurting sadness. 

I changed again and again. 

A fucking dynamic, me.

I’d blink and I wanted something else. Someone else. Something new.

Something fresh.

It was exhausting, all that remaking.

I dealt with it.

So unpredictable.

There I was and then I wasn’t.

A glimpse of something.

A blip of everything I could have. All the dumb and little things I never knew I wanted.

There and then not.

A different curse because now this life could be something. Mean something 

Be worth the living that had always been just existing.

That something beautiful and here and real can be carved out of a life that I’ve told myself is meaningless.

21 as a woman with wants and needs and finally the desire to have them.

To take them. 

To embrace that remaking. 

To welcome the new fear that is not having all these things I now desperately want.

21 as a person who understands that there are parts of her that will always be unknowable. 

Parts of her that are ugly and broken. Parts of her that are simple and beautiful and vulnerable.

21 and on the verge of something.

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